I live in a constant battle against fear.
It pulls. It controls. It threatens to ruin everything.
I crave safety, routine, normalcy. I am constantly seeking control.
The more I dive in to my practice, the more I see the connection between my life on and off of my mat. I begin to see the reflections of fear, insecurity, and the longing for control. And I see the magic power of pushing through in order to find the joy, confidence and peace. I notice more and more the way my practice within the four corners of my magic carpet shows up in my real life. How do my modifications hinder me? How does the challenge foster growth?
For years I have been practicing inversions with a wall behind me – where I feel safe. It is not a question of strength; I know the strength that I have. I don’t doubt my ability to stand, upside down, in the middle of the room. Nor do I doubt my ability to fall with grace – I have become quite the professional at picking myself back up. It is instead a question of fear. A fear of jumping blindly, no net, into the unknown, and unpredictable. It is a fear of letting go of control, certainty and normalcy. It is a fear of failing.
Recently, I decided to take the wall away. I knew that it was holding me back. Rather than progress, I digressed. Yet I continued… without the wall.
Belly tight. Ribs in. Booty tucked. Shoulders extended. Fingers gripping the earth. Gaze between the thumbs. BREATHE! I’ve got this.
Jump. Fall. Get back up.
Jump. Fall. Try again.
Jump. Fall. You’ve got this.
Jump. Fall. Fly!
And now I see the beauty of stepping outside of the comfort, and looking fear in the eyes. I see the beauty of taking risks, making sacrifices, and standing back up after falling on my ass one too many times. I know how to stay calm (usually) through the pain, frustration and FEAR in order find the POWER that I know exists within.
I can leave my family and go to another country to build a life with my love. I can use my strengths and my passions to teach, lead and inspire. I can share my heart. I can be vulnerable.
I fear failure. I fear imperfection. I fear pain. I fear death. And most of all, I fear the fear itself.
Yet as strong as my fear is, I PROMISE to be stronger. As hard as my fear pushes, I PROMISE to push back harder.